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Canned! Page 2


Spectator — April 2003

By Tom Fexas


Canned!
Part 2: The ultimate dream is a “pool sandwich.”
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•Most people don’t like to have roaches or yuppies around them. •The Californication of Florida. You don’t really want to move to Florida, do you? Two hamburgers with fries and a chocolate shake to go: the South Florida fast- food yacht interior phenomenon. •Now, I never hung around much with nuns. I’ve always considered nuns as otherworldly people. However, once you are sitting next to a line of nuns waiting to use the head, your opinion of them changes fast. •It was absolutely scary. The only damn thing he (the builder) could say in perfect English was, “No problem.” •I faced the dilemma that every hooker must face: continue to take the easy bucks or “go straight.” •Yacht clubs can provide an opportunity to meet people, talk boats, and get smashed. Then again, you can do the exact same thing in any waterfront gin mill without putting up with all the crap. •Mother Nature: the greatest polluter and destroyer of the environment of all time. •These phonies who attach themselves to (eco) groups aren’t really concerned with the group’s causes but with social change. •If we use our boats for the same functions we did 50 years ago, why in the hell have boats gotten so damned complicated? •I must admit that, when I first heard the name of the new magazine, I thought it was rather redundant and silly. After all, is there any difference between a poweryacht and motoryacht? Isn’t that like calling a magazine “Car and Automobile”? •This boat was designed by God! •I think Genoa should sponsor a radar arch museum, tracing the gestation of the radar arch from a simple plank on two sticks to the surrealistic creations of today. •The idea was brought forth to trash the old boat, save the bottom, and build a completely new boat on the old bottom. A dangerous (Brazilian) bottom transplant! •No matter how big a boat you have, there’s always some asshole with a bigger boat. •The Sultan of Brunei has named his magnificent new 177-foot Feadship Tits—probably the ultimate anti-yacht establishment move anyone could make. •Powder and Motoryacht! Do we really need a women’s boating magazine? •Braless Boating: a new use for flopper stoppers. •The greatest cleaning service on Earth: Mother’s Nature’s speedy clean. •The ultimate dream is a “pool sandwich” (house on the water with a boat behind it and a pool between). •The Fexas Universal Law of Boat Use, like Einstein’s theory, is simple: U=÷D/L. The farther away your boat is from your residence and the shorter the season, the more you use her.

With my last words in “Spectator,” I would like to thank all of you out there who, over the years, have demonstrated overwhelming support for this column. I am deeply appreciative. To those people I have offended, I apologize for all the rotten things I’ve said about your boat/car/wife/nationality/place of residence and taste. A book of uncensored Spectator articles is in the works. Check our Web site. Keep in touch.

Tom Fexas is a marine engineer and designer of powerboats. His Web site is www.tomfexas.com.

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This article originally appeared in the March 2003 issue of Power & Motoryacht magazine.

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