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Brave New Boat Show

Special Spoof Section — December 2003

BUI

Brave New Boat Show
In a move that baffled boaters and left industry insiders speechless, the director of the Miami International Boat Show announced in October that the annual event will no longer take place in Florida’s most populous city.

Starting in February 2004, the world’s largest boat show will be held in Bismarck, North Dakota, according to Bob Johnson, the show’s director.

“Don’t get me wrong. We’ve had 62 good years in Miami,” Johnson said at a press conference at Miami Beach. “And we appreciate this city’s incredible hospitality over the decades. But it’s time to move on, to stay fresh.”

When a reporter reminded him that the average temperature of Bismarck in February is 13ºF, Johnson declined to address any criticism. Instead, he continued to announce other changes to the nation’s largest boat show.

“We’re also going to try to class up the place with a new dress code. From now on, all men will have to wear white uniforms with plenty of gold epaulettes and fringes and embroidered anchors,” Johnson said. “Basically, if you don’t look like Capt. Steubing, you won’t get in.”

Clearly departing from his prepared remarks, Johnson went on: “And another thing, there will be no more slobs sucking down chili dogs and dribbling hot cheese all over the showroom models. We’ve had quite enough of that, thank you. Your kind can wait outside in the parking lot.”

Despite the aghast silence of the crowd, Johnson continued: “Speaking of the parking lot, we’ve decided that the current $50 parking fee is just not lucrative enough. From now on it will cost $150 per day. No, make that $200,” Johnson said. “I can’t have my daughter going to some crappy state college. I’m sure you all understand. After all, the children are our future.”

After taking a moment to compose himself, Johnson finished the press conference: “Anyway, we’re going to Bismarck, and that’s that. So, goodbye Miami, and thanks for all the memories.”

A Word With... Capt. Ahab
A regular face at poker runs and fishing tournaments across the country, old Capt. Ahab is one of the most famous monomaniacs in the world of angling. Currently he is on an extended, worldwide fishing trip aboard his custom-built battlewagon, Pequod. We recently caught up with Ahab to discuss his love of boats.

Q: What do you enjoy most about your time on the water?
A: The lightning flashes through my skull; mine eyeballs ache and ache; my whole beaten brain seems as beheaded. ... I am madness maddened.

Q: Sorry to hear that. Does fishing help?
A: It was that accursed white whale that razed me; made a poor pegging lubber of me for ever and a day!

Q: I understand that you’re not much of a catch-and-release kind of fisherman. Is it true that you would actually rather die than to throw back the fish you catch?
A: Aye, aye! I’ll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway maelstrom, and round perdition’s flames before I give him up.

Q: What are some of the challenges of such an unusual circumnavigation?
A: By heaven, man, we are turned round and round in this world, like yonder windlass, and Fate is the handspike. And all the time, lo! that smiling sky, and this unsounded sea!

Q: You mention the “unsounded sea.” Of course Pequod is a fine cruiser, but would you prefer something stronger, perhaps something made of fiberglass or even Kevlar?
A: All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks.

Q: I see. What advice would you give someone aspiring to become a famous monomaniac?
A: Leap! Leap up, and lick the sky! I leap with thee; I burn with thee; would fain be welded with thee; defyingly I worship thee!

100
Estimated number of boats on each of Power & Motoryacht’s Top 100 megayachts lists that are out of my price range based on my most recent bank statement.

This article originally appeared in the November 2003 issue of Power & Motoryacht magazine.

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